What the Manual doesn't say

When thinking about making this post, the original title was going to be Health and Safety Advisory until I realised that this would then only be read by sad b@stids and that I would possibly be depriving them hours of fun in potential future litigation.
So as you’ve probably guessed, .....unless you are a stick welder, in which case go back to banging rocks together you sad slag chippers,......... this is a rough guide for noobies where the influx of cheap TIG units from the far east has finally put the art within reach of the home hobbyist. Hopefully the personal experiences of those "Freds and their Sheds" who have boldly trod before you might just answer a few of those burning questions that the manual…all three Chinese pages of it…fail to mention.

To you academics out there....Feel free to add your own lessons, once you were human too

What the Manual didn’t say Lesson No 1.

Most sad b@stids started life out as stick welders.

What the Manual didn’t say Lesson No 2

Chinamen are colour blind

Now I don’t mean that as a racial slur, I mean the *****s make bloody good grub, but if you like me bought your TIG welder from Wenzhou Mao’s Electric Company Ltd by way of some rebadging con-artist in Germany, then you too will open the box to find that you do not have a plug attached to the power lead and that the wires are neither red black / brown blue or any other known combination that will allow you to distinguish which two carry the current and so by a process of elimination know which wire is earth.
Can you read Chinese?

What the Manual didn’t say Lesson No 3

The household ring mains probably weren’t designed with welders in mind.
http://www.maximumbikes.com/forums/images/smilies/****happens.gif
Now the above point is important fellas. It cost me a fekkin shedload of dosh to have my garage rewired and the insurance company wasn’t impressed either. I mean the circuit breaker said 30 amps, the welder requires 40 Amps… I just wont crank the welder to full amps and I’ll shove some 5mm round bar in where the 13 amp plug fuse should be...no problemo.
It could also have been an earthing issue on the plug though. Damn those Chinese. Who knows for sure. Life’s a gamble, with odds of 9:1 of me choosing the right wires vs forking out wads of dosh to some thieving electrician I thought the odds were on my side.

What the Manual didn't say Lesson No 4

Only gamble to win

Some forms of gambling such as Russian Roulette you gamble to loose. This is not a good idea for the average Fred. For instance....

After a bit o' welding yesterday I lifted the mask back and put the filler rod in my mouth 'cause I needed a free hand. I knew one end was gonna be hot, but I was now holding it in the middle and couldn't tell which side I had been using. So like a berk instead of dropping it I took a 50-50 gamble and lost. It welded to my lips and tongue. Disoriented with pain I then proceeded to put my hand on a still white hot weld bead. The day steadily declined thereafter.

What the Manual didn't say Lesson No 5

The joys of HF start

I could have titled this the joys of antiperspirant, particularly around the hairline...but some sad b@stid would then spray it in his eyes and sue me.

HF is a wonderful thing Stick welders can only dream of the joys of HF. If you come from a background of stick welding, HF start will give you hours of entertainment, but there is a advisory notice.

I hate BOC, theiving scoundrels that they are, so I dont waste gas, but electrodes cost more so I run a wee bit of gas through the pipe before touching down for the arc...just to make sure see. Imagine my surprise one day when I noticed that the HF was arcing to my hand. Now that's fun... it tickles a bit. Then I read somewhere here that some fella likes to set his gas flow not by litre per minute, but so that he could just hear it. Now this appeals to me. When money is involved I can have very acute hearing. What's a little bit of a tickle on the ear between friends?
Well as it turns out, if you have been sweating like a b1@tch under the welders mask and you have idly placed your rump against the earthed welding table...quite a lot.

What the Manual didn't say Lesson No 6

Make space


If you really are a genuine Fred in his Shed, then you too will know how infuriating it is when the boss of the house stores all her sh1te in the Man's space. Now I'm an easy going guy, ...so long as I get a cooked meal once in a while and nothing comes between me and my Saturday morning quality time with the missus I'll put up with quite a lot.
Unfortunately she wont. So unless you want to spend Saturday mornings with her doing the weekly grocery shop, dont angle grind your way merrily through those iron round tubing bars anywhere near her grandma's antique china tea set that's sitting idly on the top shelf accrueing money...or at least were. Keep you favourite coffee mug well clear too. And the car... the bonet looks like a bloody big piece of emory cloth. And your expensive 10th aniversary Seiko watch, the face of which looks like the milky way on a clear night. And.....
Pushing a trolley is not so bad you know, you can save a wack of dosh curbing her spending habits. But then ready cooked meals are not so tasty and I'm getting a few chorbs and acne on the backside being a batchelor again.

What the Manual didn't say Lesson No 7

Make Space version 2

About the only decent thing that can be said about the weather in this country is that it rains an awful lot. This is a good thing for the real "Fred in his Shed" enthusiast because it means less time doing the "honey do" chores that the Boss loves to delegate. I mean since when is it a mans job to mow the lawn, paint the eves and empty gutters? Telling the Boss about womens lib helps not a jot. She just want her cake and to eat it too.

Now my shiny brand spanking new TIG welder is a recent addition to the family and so takes 2nd place to her wedding dress and other bric-a-brac that is stored in the back of the garage. This means my welding table...all 30 square inches of it live right beside the garage door. But it's ok, after my new chores of Saturday morning shopping, if it's ******* down as it is wont to do, I still have an hour or two in the afternoon to play with the latest toy in my portfolio before putting the brats to bed.

Welding in the rain presents it's own unique trials and tribulations, but I find if I stand with my back to the garage door I can shield the gusts and rain from my workpiece. This would be okay, but just occaissionaly a strong gust of wind can blow some of the water pooling on top of the open garage door onto your latest creation while you are playing merrily with joyful abandon.

These days of course there is a heightenned awareness about terrorist activities and the Flanders next door phoned the Boss to complain about the bang and muted screams coming from our yard. You'd think the Boss would be sympathetic coming outside so see a halo of St Elmo's fire round my head while my feet hammer a frenzied solo rendition of Riverdance in tripple time to the Salsa by butt is performing.
"You never take me dancing!" she miffs and slams the door locking me out.

What the Manual didn't say Lesson No 8

New Toy Joy

Of course being a successful Fred takes a mindless perseverance that borders stupidity. None more so than when you have a new toy. Toys give meaning to life and after the brats have been put to bed and you have dutifully washed the dishes, you find youself drifting aimlessly towards the idiot box. Now after the Saffers kicked good old Pommie @rse in the ruggers world cup for the second time in divine retribution for the Boer War, there is nothing much left to see. I mean this Orwellian Big Brother cr@p is full of sad b@stid stick welders and after feeling sorry for them you kind of hope that maybe oneday they might also splurge out on a shiny new TIG welder. Thinking of which, as you sit there mindlessly bored with your existence, you switch over to QVC shopping channel and shout to the Boss, "Quick, bring my credit card, there is something here you might like!"

What the Manual didn't say Lesson No 8A

Keep some overalls in the shed

While the Boss is busily improving your credit rating, which when you have a new toy seems a small price to pay, you can dash off to the shed to gloat over your investment in Wenzhou Mao’s Electric Company Ltd Super 160 MMA/TIG/Plasma cutter.
Being clad in only your dressing gown and boxer shorts, this is not a good time to have another bash at that 35 cm aluminium butt joint that has bedeviled you all day. Especially if you have to close that garage door behind you so the Boss doesn't realise what you are up to and fish out your debit card too. I could have called this section make space version 3, as it is I was squatting over the job propped up a few inches above the floor knees either side.
Now they say babies are the product of 20 minutes of fun followed by 20 years of pain, but let me tell you, 20 minutes of fun on a tig welder left me with a suntan on my inner thighs that most vacationing pommie lobsters would have cooed and aahhed at before running off to douse themselves in more cooking oil. Worse was to come though. You try and sit behind an office desk for eight hours and not rub yourself silly when the peel starts.

What the Manual didn't say Lesson No 9

Pre Heating

If you dont have a nice set of gauntlet gloves, do take off your watch before welding!
I read somewhere in here about a 22 year old master welder... yeah, I can only surmise he was a stick welder too:full: ...that wearing a watch while welding can cause the inards to fry because of HF or some other dark art. Well, like the Doomsday mongers predictions he was right, but for all the wrong reasons, and I promise Boss, if you are reading this, I will never buy you a tube of 5236 Ali filler rods for your Birthday again. Anyway, pre heating... The oracle of Miller and it's eBook of words says to hold the filler rod at 20 degrees to the weld. This will however leave your watch strap very close to the preheated surface allowing it to slowly warm up to a delightful cherry hue before you notice that all is not well in the world.

That's about it from me. Welding has taken a backseat while I get to grips with this pop riveter I bought on the advice of some fellow member while I wait for my finger prints to grow back.

I don't know where to start, but the last few threads creased me up!!! best way to approach the wiring is, screw them in, then switch on using broom handle or the like, no boom, pop, fizz and that horrible smell of smoldering wires and your sorted!

As for the missus abusing valuable garage space, I'd be negotiating some ironing time to go along with food prep she has TOO much space. put your foot down man, garage/shed is the mans domain, talking of Chinese brand machines, why do you think the ladies have such tiny feet? So they can move closer to the kitchen sink, buy her new shoes, two sizes smaller than her norm, should help for sink bonding

As for uv burns in the nether regions, deary me, too much fiddling could see you being added to government S list

Finally, I suggest you purchase lazy tong riveter, to much use of small model can cause severe blisters, and we cant have this, I'd miss your hilarious posts!!

I feel a lager attack looming, cheers for now............

I read some of these earlier but didn't comment in case there was more to come. I'm glad there was!!! I practically p*ssed myself!

Clearly though, the garage situation needs to be addressed. You must inform the Boss that unless she wishes you to start storing your welding equipment in the shoe cupboard, Great-Great-Aunt Mildred's crockery must take a hike! See how that goes down. I suspect, not well!

Cheers for livening up my day, mate!

You haven't let the end of the filler wire dangle onto the earthed bench and touched the other end with the tungston yet then? It's one to look forward to - gets red hot all of a sudden.

My big silly with TIG was taking the whole thing apart to figure out why the gas wouldn't turn off and the HF was constantly on. Turned out the foot pedal was jammed under the bench.

My daftest so far was before even plugging the welder in! I had to rewire the barn since the old 3-phase was dead dodge. I made the somewhat elementary blunder of trying to take the 3 phase breaker out of the fuse box without turning the power off. As you can imagine, I said 'Ouch' very loudly!

When I teach people TIG, I always do the listen to the gas one, It keeps one from a sad'o stick welding caveman background, very amused.....and not telling people to hook there filler ends, something that caveman stick welder knew on day 1

snowcat said:

When I teach people TIG, I always do the listen to the gas one, It keeps one from a sad'o stick welding caveman background, very amused.....and not telling people to hook there filler ends, something that caveman stick welder knew on day 1

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I was so amused from reading the various threads, I forgot to mention to bend the end of wire, even lead burners do this, saves ones wee pinkies from burning various parts of their anatomy!!

Bruce said:

Make Space version 2

These days of course there is a heightenned awareness about terrorist activities and the Flanders next door phoned the Boss to complain about the bang and muted screams coming from our yard. You'd think the Boss would be sympathetic coming outside so see a halo of St Elmo's fire round my head while my feet hammer a frenzied solo rendition of Riverdance in tripple time to the Salsa by butt is performing.
"You never take me dancing!" she miffs and slams the door locking me out.

Click to expand...

Hot from Cheshire press website, Bruce caught on camera just after burning scenario, I think that is a burnt Sun news paper in his right hand

snowcat said:

When I teach people TIG, I always do the listen to the gas one, It keeps one from a sad'o stick welding caveman background, very amused.....and not telling people to hook there filler ends, something that caveman stick welder knew on day 1

Click to expand...

Yeah, that's right. I think it was you that I got the gas flow tip from. Thanks mate
Please dont be offended by the sad b@stid title, after that little adventure it was the very least of the choice epithets I had in store for you

runnach said:

I was so amused from reading the various threads, I forgot to mention to bend the end of wire, even lead burners do this, saves ones wee pinkies from burning various parts of their anatomy!!

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Well you see, hobbyists dont have this wealth of expertise. It wasn't in the book of words